ZZ Top Rocker Takes The Tube

Originally on Londonist here: I ponder the potential for
tube-based adventures with Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top

If you're preparing to head home on the tube, be vigilant for the famous grizzled beard of Billy Gibbons, guitarist of the honourable rock band ZZ Top. He favours the tube over a fancy limo as demonstrated when he played Wembley last week, and took the Metropolitan line there, unaccompanied. Gibbons wanted a taste of the Londoner's everyday public transport... and his wish came true, as the Circle Line broke down the instant he got his ticket.

A bus to Baker Street got him on his way, along with ZZ Top fans coincidentally heading to Wembley for the concert too - and he beat his bandmates by a satisfying 45 minutes. The carriage must have been packed with folks too afraid to sit next to him in case he a) asked for 10p for a cup of tea, or b) was actually Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top.

Being a god of rock means further forays on public transport are unlikely, but Gibbons won the Marshall 11 award at the Classic Rock Roll of Honour awards this week, and he can frankly do whatever he likes. Except get the Circle Line when it decides not to work or inexplicably turns into a Hammersmith and City Line train at Euston Square. Not even 40 years in ZZ Top can change that.

Tube Passenger #1: Well, that was exciting wasn't it! Rock and roll! On the tube!
Tube Passenger #2: You know... that wasn't him. That's not the guy from ZZ Top
Tube Passenger #1: But... the beard. The beanie hat. It was him, wasn't it?
Tube Passenger #2: No, it was Derelict Messiah. He always gets the tube when it rains.
Tube Passenger #1: But... he signed my paperback. Look, that's his signature.
Tube Passenger #2: That's not his signature, it says "Feck yer arse-face gibbon monkey." And he licked the spine when you were looking for a pen.
Tube Passenger #1: Oh. Oh my god. Oh my god, what do I do with it now?
Tube Passenger #2: Sell it on eBay. Or burn it.
Tube Passenger #1: Ah. Yeah. I'll think about it. Hmm, sticky...

Theatre: The Abattoir Pages

Originally on Londonist here: I write about a horror theatre thing that had great atmosphere and effect but an unappealing script and plot.

You are invited to a secret party in the old abattoir by horror author Helen Mayer. You are called to the door. You are led into the dark. And you are kept there for the rest of the evening.

The Abattoir Pages by Foolish People (previously presenting Cirxus) and Guerilla Zoo, is staged in the old abattoir, Clerkenwell. Combining theatre, art installation, straight-up horror attraction and treasure hunt, it explores Gaelic and Pagan rituals, tenuous musings on artistic creativity, torture, abuse and human depravity.

Creepy moments abound in this impressive, genuinely scary space full of terrifying dark damp spots, embellished by impressive set and lighting. Forbidding masked ushers glide about. Talking is forbidden. The audience wanders freely around paintings and sculptures. A hidden bar with entrance test is a nice touch. Convincing dread and fear pervades throughout. Spatially and visually, The Abattoir Pages delivers all the right atmospheric, decorative thrills.

However... We never found the treasure hunt. When the first cycle ended we didn't know when or how to leave. Once the initial chills subsided, the less rewarding elements of The Abattoir Pages became apparent: it's a spine-tingling set but a toe-curling script. Picturesque girls in Camden Market couture muttered incredulous lines like "The human story is the blade which kills the truth of history with the poison of myth." Incomprehensible scenes played out between attractively tortured characters, all talking impenetrably about The Book, The Forest, God, Creation, Gwyllt... it was rather a relief when Helen Mayer and her wretched book were finally dealt with in the (anti)climax.

Like a Haunted House computer game designed by David Lynch, you could wander around for 30 minutes and be quite satisfyingly spooked. But the effects are blunted by a script mangling psychotherapy in a Gaelic mythology writing workshop. It's an entertaining Halloween outing at one of London's genuinely scary spaces, but go for the atmosphere, not for the theatre.

The Abattoir Pages at The Old Abattoir, until 1 November. Three entry times each evening: 7.30, 8.30 and 9.30 and special Halloween matinee performances on Saturday 31 October and Sunday 1 November. For more information and to book, go to The Abattoir Pages website.